I cried while writing it, this is really sad just read it.
I’m so hungry. I just want something to eat. It doesn’t have to be that much maybe a small yoghurt with fruits. Yeah strawberries and some cream and.. NO! stop that Louis! You want to be pretty, don’t you? So stop thinking of food. Damn it! Don’t be a lazy bone and do some exercise! Yes Louis run faster and faster YES I have to loose weight I will do this, I will be thin sometime but NO! I can’t anymore, I’m so exhausted. Those few meters to our flat, it’s easy i keep running. Step, breath, step, breath, step breath. “Harry I” breath “I’m home!” God it’s so hot in here but I’m cold, I’m seeing black but normal. I’m so sick. I need to sit down, yes I just have to relax and breath. “LOUIS! Where the hell wer… oh my god don’t tell me you were running!” Breath “Louis answer me now!” Breath “Did you swallow your pills today?” No I didn’t I don’t need those pills, I’m not ill! “Yes” “Did you eat something today Louis? I can cook us dinner, what do you want?” I didn’t eat today or yesterday or 2 days before. “Yes I just ate a burger at KFC so you don’t have to cook.” He steps closer now and I look directly in his worried eyes. He seems so sad but he doesn’t have to be worried about me, I’m pretty fine! He knees in front of me and his large and warm hands rest on my thighs. His beautiful green eyes are full of worry and sadness, he looks like he’s about to cry, but why should he cry? There is no reason why is he so damn over protective? “Louis don’t lie to me. I know you didn’t eat today and there is no pill missing.” His eyes suddenly fill with water and he closes it shut. A single tear is streaming down his gorgeous face. Why is he crying? I didn’t do something wrong, i don’t get it. “Louis it’s the worst to watch you getting thiner and thiner and weaker and weaker every day.” He pauses for a few seconds, he looks in my blank eyes, then continues “You are anorexic, the doctor said you should swallow those pills, they might help.” I don’t understand a single word he is saying. “Umm no Harry i’m fat i’m just on a diet. Don’t worry I won’t die just because I don’t eat that much.” I’m laughing but Harry’s facial expression just gets more sinister and more serious. He scans me for a long time but he then finally says “I’m not too sure about that.” His voice is inexpressive and that scares me. Why the hell is he so weird? I’m a normal healthy boy, well maybe I’m a bit fatter than ‘normal’ boys but I’m working on it. His grips on my thighs get stronger and it actually really hurts. “Can’t you see, Louis? you are getting weaker every day what if… what if one day you.. you..” He is now in tears, he rests his head on my knees and sobs. He once again digs his fingers in my thighs. “You need to eat, you have to eat you are my babyboy why is this happening? I can’t do this anymore, it kills me to see you this way. You are not fat Louis, you are too thin why don’t you get it? We need help, i can’t just watch you getting weaker.” I shake my head in protest, he is such a liar. At first i’m not too thin and we already went to the doctors a couple of times before. I don’t even know why I agreed but it didn’t help, well it wasn’t surprising at all because I’m not ill. I’m not anorexic. “Harry i do not need help because I am totally fine. Why are you crying? Please stop.” He raises his head and looks in my eyes again, he is shocked about what i just said. He looks like a mess, his face is all wet because of his tears and his hair sticks to his forehead. But he suddenly starts screaming “JUST EAT LOUIS! AND TAKE YOUR DAMN PILLS!” He grabs my shoulders really roughly and i have to admit that i’m scared now. What is going on here? He shakes me forth and back I want to protest but he is too strong. “Harry s-stop that hurts.” My body starts to tremble and my view is fully black now. I can’t see a thing anymore. I repeat to scream harry’s name, my heartbeat is dangerously fast and i’m scared. My body finally gives in and I fall to the couch. I can’t move nor see and speak, but I can hear everything. “LOUIS?! LOUIS!? Fuck what happened omg what have I done shit shit helppp i need help!!! where the fuck is my phone?? Wake up please don’t leave me now, you need to be strong, don’t give up…. hello? yes please my boyfriend just fainted please help me I……” I can’t hear anymore. I’m helpless but I can’t feel anything I’m not hungry nor feeling sick anymore. I’m not in pain and it feels good.